Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Perspective
Sunday was a hard day for me. While at church I was standing in the hall next to a lady pregnant with her ninth child. She kept sighing over and over, rubbing her belly, groaning, basically begging me to ask her something about her pregnancy so that she could tell me how miserable she is. I'm definitely not in a place yet where I can listen to anyone complain about being pregnant. I stood there silently hoping she would give up on me and move on. My hope sank to the ground as another woman standing nearby took pity on her and asked how much longer she had. 5 weeks was her answer. Quick math in my head.... I wouldve had my baby in 5 weeks. My eyes went to her belly. My belly would've looked like that. My eyes began to burn, I blinked back the tears determined not to cry. My thoughts returned to the conversation going on in front of me just in time to hear the woman say this "the worst part is this baby is constantly moving. I feel his little kicks and jabs all day and all night". Ouch. Was she seriously complaining about feeling her sweet baby moving inside her? Confirmation that the baby was alive and well? My resolve weakened and tears began to freely flow down my cheeks. I tried to walk away without being noticed, went in the bathroom and had myself a good cry. As my due date looms closer my emotions are very much at the surface. At that moment I was so frustrated with that lady. What I wouldn't give to be in her position, feeling my angel moving inside of me. As the week hasgone on i now have a little more understanding for this sweet lady who is just tired. I definitely complained during my pregnancies. But now I have a different perspective on things. Maybe that's one of the many reasons I was given this trial, to be more mindful of others.
Keeping on the subject of being more mindful of others, Sunday is mother's day. A day I have honestly been dreading. I know that seems silly. I have two sweet boys I am the mother of. Why dread it? Honestly it's hard to explain. But it also makes me think of the other sweet women in my life that this day will be hard on. My mother in law who will be experiencing her first mothers day without her own mother. A few friends who aren't yet married, haven't had the opportunity to start families yet. A sweet friend from high school who lost her mother to skin cancer her senior year, friends who have infertility problems and haven't been able to have children. While us mothers celebrate that day, I hope we can also be mindful of those who have heavy hearts that day, and to ALWAYS be mindful of those around us.
*side note, my inlaws are flying in on mothers day so it will end up being a good day for both of us. Our goal mama... No tears, well just a few, then just smiles and joy for those we still get to enjoy on this earth :)
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Thank you dear daughter for sharing your feelings with us!! I love your blog and getting to share your thoughts--it makes me feel even closer to you and love you even more. Thank you for being aware of me and my feelings this Mother`s Day as well. I was so relieved to be flying out to see your family on Mother`s Day--not having to be here--not having to go to Sacrament Meeting and hear how I should have been as a mother and come away feeling like a failure--(which it always does) This year not having my own Mom here is going to be hard--another reason I am so glad to be coming to be with your family, it will make it easier for me. You are an amazing woman--how grateful I am that Kendall found you and made you not only his wife, but my daughter. I love you April--can`t wait to give you a hug!!
ReplyDeleteI love your openness and honesty, April. You truly have such an amazing (eternal) perspective throughout this and I admire how you always look for the positive and the learning experiences in this trial. That is not always easy to do. You are a great example to me! Love you, sister!!
ReplyDeleteOh my sweet sister! I have tears as I read this. How well I know what is in your heart, and the pain that is there. I am glad you are able to write this out and share, because there are many..more than we know who has this same pain in their hearts. You do have an amazing perspective on this, and I am so proud of you and love you so much. I love to picture our sweet little ones in heaven playing together. What a relief it is to have the knowledge that we have those sweet babies in heaven waiting for us. What a sweet day it will be to hold them next to our mother hearts again. I love you so and remember to cuddle those sweet boys even closer on this coming Sunday. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI have been reading this over and over with tears streaming down my face and have been wanting to post but my words it fingers have not been able to type them yet. My heart goes out to you. Knowing the pain if having a miscarriage and clinging to feel that child inside us so hard and the nearing of a due date. Its hard time see good if a situation when it hurts but I have learned to grow closer to heavenly father and know he always has a plan in everything. Losing my sweet mother has been so hard but I know she is in heaven enjoying the time with my children who didn't make it and have yet to come. I love you so much and am so grateful for your friendship I am here if you ever need anything
ReplyDeleteGo check my blog post, there is a surprise for you! Love you tons sis!
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Thank you for sharing this. I know well a very similar pain, as I lost 3. I am thankful for the 4 I got to raise, of course, but there is always that longing for the others. Thank you for putting into words what is so hard to. Bless your dear heart. What a lovely idea the balloons are.---Diane Sparks
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