The lowest point came when I had to explain to my four year old, who was so excited i was having a baby, that there was no longer a baby in mommy's tummy. We cried together while I explained that the baby went back to be with Jesus and we would see the baby again someday. That's a hard concept for a four year old to grasp.
It was a horrible few weeks. My heart literally hurt. But I was also humbled by the people around me. I have an amazing family. My mom came over and forced me to get out of my pajamas and take a shower. My husband took over most of the household chores while I sat around and felt sorry for myself. Wonderful friends checked on me often, people from my church brought in dinner.
I decided I was done being bitter, done being angry at God. I was determined to use this trial to strengthen my faith. I'm still a work in progress, I still have days of bitterness, but I've learned why we are tried during this life. It really does strengthen us, humble us, make us more worthy to be called children of God.
I've learned so much these last few months. I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
It helps to picture my baby sitting on the Saviors lap. I always think about how I would've told my baby about Jesus, but I hope He is telling my baby about me...... I'm sure he is :)
You are making me cry! You have an amazing gift for writing, April! You are often in my thoughts. You are a strong woman and I admire that strength! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry, You were able to put into words the feeling I felt and couldn't express. It is hard to explain to your little ones, when you can't understand fully yourself. You did a great job, and I KNOW Christ is holding your little one and telling what a wonderful mother you are. And I like to picture my little ones up there with their cousin. You are a strong woman and I am so proud of you! Love you tons sister!!
ReplyDeleteApril
ReplyDeleteYou touched my heart woman to woman! I have 4 little grandbabies that I cannot hold in my arms--someday I hope to-- they make me want to live better to be worthy do that! I love your words--"I always think about how I would`ve told my baby about Jesus, but I hope He is telling my baby about me..." I know your baby knows about YOU and wanted very much to be your child. You will have that privilege still April--I know you will!! I love you SO much!!!